I finally understand now why I should take care of myself first before others…

Mom has been poorly of late. I believe it was the harsh weather and the haze pollution. Most of us have been unwell with allergy symptoms such as eyes irritation, sinus and breathing complication and as severe as acute respiratory problems for some. Mom has been badly affected by the haze that she had eyes irritation, throat problems and flu like symptoms. This morning, she even had stomach upset, diarrhoea and vomiting added to the list. So, dad and I took her to the doctor for immediate medical attention and she was resting in her room most of the day.

I had never felt this deep before. When mom called out to me for her drugs prescribed by the doctor, when she said she was hungry. Sis was already over at our parents place by noon and was busy preparing the vegetables and ingredients for tonight’s dinner. Mom suddenly called out and said she was hungry but wouldn’t want bread or packed food. I resorted to boil some clear porridge whilst starving the feck outta myself. I was upset. Upset with myself that I should have taken care of my brunch after mom’s doctor visit being the one behind the wheel. As I could eat anything, packed from anywhere.

Sis and I went for our late lunch (being our first meal of the day) after mom’s porridge was almost ready and we got dad to help out watching the fire. I didn’t feel that bad feeling anymore. I was happy again and we stopped by our aunts’ place for a bit before heading home.

Home by early evening but not the time yet to cook, mom was resting on the couch in the living room by then. She told me she wanted to wash her hair. My immediate response was to tell her that I’ll wash her hair in case she got drowsy from the drugs. I certainly don’t want any preventable mishap. So, I took a stool, place it in the bathroom and got mom to sit on it while I washed her hair. I then let her took a shower with the bathroom door closed but unlocked. Told her NOT to lock it. Mom was a lil better by dinner time. Sis and nieces came over after the heavy downpour to join us dinner.

I am not writing this to tell you what great daughter I am. On the contrary, I am feeling grateful. Grateful to have the chance to take care of the person who took care of me when I was sick on my way growing up. And grateful to realise early enough the important of taking care of myself first before I can take care of others. I would still be starving and upset had I not asked dad to help watching the fire over mom’s porridge so that sis and I can fill our empty and growling stomaches. I may not be able to think fast and straight to prevent a possible and avoidable mishap had I let mom washed her hair on her own. She might just feel drowsy and fell!

Our physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual are all interconnected. When one is unwell, it directly affects the others. I heeded my hunch to drive out for with sis for lunch and we stopped feeling grumpy when our body was well fed. Thus the rest of the day went well, positive and I was able to show my love to my parents as the positive ME.

Thank you dear Universe for the lesson and reflection. I am thankful that I still have my parents when some people has never seen theirs. I am thankful for everything and everyone good I have received and continue to receive. I am blessed. I truly am.

~ J

How I suddenly become a big deal…

 

I didn’t use to think or feel that I am a big deal. On the contrary, my self doubt taught me to wander back and forth along the sidewalk of insecurity wondering if I was significant enough for my family, friends or even myself.

But after today, I must say that I am healed from such addiction. I went from Step 1 to Step 12 within a day in my healing process. And you must be wondering how did I manage to do that and what caused such healing? No secret here, the key to healing is LOVE.

And I am sure many of you are wondering (at this point) if I had met the love of my life. The answer is Yes and No. Let’s get to the No first. No, I haven’t met anyone who sweeps me off my feet at the romance department. But Yes, I have found the love of my life. ME. Someone special did help me to find and bury the insecurity I had subconsciously kept hidden so that I can always display my poise as a confident, charming and tough woman but secretly a wreck on the inside.

Before I went on further to revealing who was the miracle healer who helped me walk out of self doubt today, let me first share what I have done for myself today.

I started the morning with a trip to a local shelter for orphaned, neglected and abandoned children via an expatriate networking club I joined. We spent time serving food to the kids, chat with some of them and prepared gifts for them. I had planned to make a small donation for my upcoming birthday anyway and this event came at a really Divine timing to allow me to volunteer my time other than money to bring joy for the kids.

After that, sis and I made a trip to a temple for prayer and offering to the Goddess of Mercy (Kuan Yin) as it is the Kuan Yin Enlightenment Day today. What makes it more auspicious is, it is my lunar birthday tomorrow! Yes, I was born a day after Kuan Yin achieved enlightenment. And what makes it even more special this year is, both lunar and Gregorian birthdays were close to each other by only few days apart. 🙂

 

Dinner was another cosy affair as my family took me out for a pre birthday treat. And the healing followed…..my 9-year-old niece Shayne took something out of her pocket and handed it to me. She said it is my birthday present. Something she made by her own hands. I opened my hand to find the most beautiful craft that looks like a butterfly (to which Shayne insisted that is was supposed to be a crab! Haha). And it is an ornament to hang in my car.

I took the craft out again minutes ago, and I began shedding tears. Tears of joy. I snapped some pictures of it and sent them to my friend Charlene. She told me that according to the Appalachian folk magic, gifts from children are wonderful healing and protection amulets. I must say I couldn’t agree more to that. I have been blessed by the purest form of love. From the purest form of soul – a child. I remember telling Charlene, “if I hadn’t felt loved before, I sure am now. I am so blessed. I am so wealthy.”

Indeed….indeed. And I am thankful, for everything and everyone in my life that come from the purest form of love and intention.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

~ J

I forgive you mom and dad, and most of all, I forgive you Jacq!

Reflection can indeed happen anytime, anywhere. Went enjoying my favourite wanton noodles today and spent some time chit chatting with the stall owners, a lovely couple in their 50s. I feel comfortable with them and we shared our life stories, enjoying the exchange. Sister Teng (Asians address those older than them as sister, brother, uncle or aunty) even bought me a cup of tea!

So, we talked about anything and everything. From my spiritual gifts to ghostly encounters where sister Teng’s husband shared his too. He is also a sensitive, I discovered. Then the conversation automatically lead to the topic of marriage, as I was the one asking how they met each other and how they ended up together. And I shared about my marriage and subsequently, the divorce.

I was sharing about how my relatives criticized me and how I had suddenly lost a good friend cause of my decision to leave the life, the marriage I no longer wanted. Sister Teng then asked about my parents’ role and involvement during that trying time and that made me reflect. On a lot of things.

First of all, I remember how mom and dad reacted and responded differently from each other. Basically, they tried to stay away from it. Maybe they were trying to give me some space. And this made me felt alienated, honestly. I felt that I was battling it alone, like I was the only person walking on this Earth.

Secondly, mom was not too encouraging when I was trying to move on. I remember jokingly told her that, my next marriage, I will definitely be with someone whom I can connect to, spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and physically. Most probably someone from the West, I chuckled. And mom reacted not-so-positively to that, saying : “Well I tell you, I only have ONE son-in-law (referring to my ex husband)”.

So, fast forward to 7 years later, I have some reflection on this. A liberating one. Referring to my parents’ almost zero involvement that left me feeling alone, I realized that they were learning too. Well, I was the first (hopefully the only) in the family who walked out on a marriage. And my parents are quite the traditional folks who believe that once enter into matrimonial, the couple must make it work, unless infidelity, domestic abuse, drug and gambling issues were involved. Their daughter walking out on her marriage citing irreconcilable difference was something foreign to them. And like I wrote, they were probably trying to give me some space too while trying to figure out how to digest the news. Mom being less than encouraging to my joke made me realized that not everyone is on the same pace as I am. I was simply too forward and bold, for my mom.

Today, here and now, I can say, I forgive you, mom and dad. You were also learning like me. I know how much you both love me and it is ok. We all learned from that experience. Most of all, I forgive you, Jacq. You were and are still on a journey, learning and growing. forgive myself for not handling some parts of the divorce well. I could have handled it in a more amicable manner to lessen the impact of the damage. But anyway, it was a lesson for me, for my parents. A lesson we grow from.

Through this, I learned how to be more sensitive to others’ feelings as well as my own feelings. And also through this, I learned to forgive myself.

Great job, Jacq. Look at how far you’ve come, emerging from challenges after challenges a victor. I am proud of you.

~ J

Let Love Simply Be Love

I have just finished reading a book of Paulo Coelho. Brida is about a young lady in search of deeper knowledge about the wonder of the Universe and her destiny. I must say, I love it. A fascinating journey of transformation and life. But what fascinated me more is how Brida decide whom to love (romantically).

In the book, the term Soulmate is mentioned and used extensively and apparently Brida is the soulmate to a wise man (a sage) who knew before she did, apparently from some “light” only he can see, as Brida wasn’t “awakened” yet at the point of their meeting. It did mention that the sage had once loved someone whom he had given up for in order to search for his Soulmate. And he waited for decades before Brida finally making an appearance and crossed his path, only to find her loving another. Her boyfriend. With whom she connects well intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and sexually.

Side track from the book, so I have been reading and hearing from lots of those who practise and teach spiritualism or the occult in the emphasis of the terms such as Twin Flame and Soulmate. And I have been seeing a pattern, an unhealthy pattern so to speak. I have been seeing an increasing amount of people lamenting how they have crossed path with their “twin flame” who are either married, from another country faraway that they met via online platforms or those from the same city but just not ready to be with them, yet. And then they would receive advice from “experts” or read from articles detailing the twin flame reunion process that involve stages called Running and Separation.

I would like to stop you right here, dear Ones. First of all, I am not trying to challenge the twin flame or soulmate theory here nor that I want to prove anything. As someone who have loved, was loved and still believe in love despite getting hurt and hurting others, I would advise you to just listen to your heart when it comes to the matters of the heart. I mean, who else would you rather listen to? Your heart knows better!

Would you take chances on someone who makes your heart skip a beat, or would you rather wait for your twin flame or soulmate to appear, ignoring and bypassing the opportunities and possibilities of having the love of a lifetime even though that person might or might not be your twin flame or soulmate?

You know what? Why does it matter? Why does a label matter? Love is love. It is that simple. If that someone sees you with a sparkle in their eyes every time and your heart skips a beat when seeing them every time, does this not tell you something? How about someone who gets you and your jokes most of the time and when they didn’t agree but respect your opinions anyway? Does this not tell you something too?

I am still undecided about twin flames and soulmates but I can tell you one thing, just one thing. If you and that person is meant to be, it will be. It might not be easy after all, no relationship would be, but it will definitely be someone available for you physically, legitimately, emotionally, sexually and spiritually when you meet.

That someone who treats you like you don’t matter, calls you only when he or she has nothing better to do or, sees you only as their booty call contact, you can ask them to take a hike. Period.

And the first person we should love before anyone else, is found in the mirror since the day we were born. 🙂

~ J

 

My neighbour is avoiding me like a plague!

Those who read my earlier posts knew that I have been single for 7 years now. Since I “un-married” myself. Yes, I am happy to live the life I wanted, finally. And no, it wasn’t all bed of roses getting here. The struggle was real. And I am still living in that stigma, the difference is, I found a way to live WITHOUT getting affected by such stigma. What stigma you’re asking? The stigma of getting divorced. Ooohhh that, you said. Yes, that…..

You see, my ex husband and I moved into this apartment unit about a decade ago and started our life together as a unit, a family. So, neighbours here know both of us. And the divorce wasn’t quite a secret either, when he was seen leaving the apartment we shared all packed up and never to be seen again. I’d say my neighbours are the type who mind their own business but there would be one or two concerned female neighbours coming over to try to find out what was wrong with my marriage, occasionally.

So, this family of 3, both husband and wife are teachers and their daughter have been living in the unit right across mine since day 1. Pretty friendly folks and I found out that I am the same age as the wife. And the wife (let’s call her Madam A) has been really friendly to me and liked to chat whenever we cross path, whether at the carpark or at each other’s door. However, I noticed things have changed since the last couple of years. Madam A has been quiet and not as chatty and friendly as she used to be. More so, I noticed that she has been avoiding me like a plague!

I have been wondering what was wrong for a few years now and I finally make it out why, with a few incidents supporting my theory :

1) You see, I have been really working on myself following the divorce, physically, emotionally, spiritually and professionally. That means looking good and feeling good. And the years post divorce have been really kind to me. Some said, “you stopped aging when you found yourself” which I translated into the simple theory of happiness. Scientifically, being happy, full of life and fun produced a healthy amount of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphin that helped.  And being the same age (41 years old), I am quite blessed in the aging department than Madam A. No judging here but I believe lifestyle does make a difference.

2) Looking good – this means I do put in effort to look presentable, attractive and probably desirable. I bumped into Madam A and family a few times with yours truly all dressed up ready for either an evening of jazz, comedy or philharmonic. And this might involve the word “sensual” usually.

3) Feeling good – I recalled bumping into Madam A and husband a couple of times at the carpark when I was geared up heading to the gym. Madam A as usual (since couple of years ago) would avoid eye contact and the husband would courteously say Hi and ask if I was heading somewhere. He responded with a WOW when I said I was heading to the gym. Then I saw it. The Queen Bee stare (at the husband).

4) A more direct approach – curiousity must have been killing her that one day, Madam A decided to approach me (at my door), asking “aren’t you lonely living all by yourself?”. I just candidly told her that I FREAKING ENJOY my space and alone doesn’t have to mean lonely. It is a matter of what and NOT who we fill our time with. She gave a look which tells me that she either didn’t get it or didn’t buy it.

Anyways, that’s NOT my concern. Not at all. My life is. So, how could I be lonely when I am busy LIVING my life.

~ J

 

Thank you, but your advice almost ruined my life…..

I bumped into my ex husband yesterday while on my way getting lunch. I was driving pass him (in his car) at a junction and guess what? I ducked like a turtle hoping that he wouldn’t see me. He wouldn’t know it was me either, as I have changed my car. I even went thru the trouble of making a sharp turn into a lane to let him drive pass before continuing my way. It was then I started wondering why did I avoid him in such manner? What’s wrong with him seeing me? This had me ponder for 2 days. And I finally had a clear answer.

Because I had almost become a marital rape victim. Ah, why such a drama queen, Jacq? I bet you could probably be thinking. In fact, my relatives and my former best friend thought I was a drama queen when I broke down, telling them how my soon-to-be-ex husband was trying to grope and kiss me, tried to have sex with me during the course of our separation. One of my aunts remarked, “aiya, don’t be such drama queen lah. He is your husband, of course he can touch you!” At that point of time, I had already filed for divorce petition. We were still staying together as we jointly owned the apartment I was staying and he had to find a place to go. Therefore, I let him sleep at the guest room. Little did I expect he would quietly open my bedroom door in the dead of the night, creeping onto the bed with me. When I woke startled by him, he tried to kiss me, saying “come on darling”. I still remember I pushed him off the bed and shove him out of my room slamming the door in his face, locking it before breaking down behind closed door, sobbing and terrified. I remember that 2 weeks was really a period of torment for me to go home. As I would be wondering whether he would creep into my room again. Well he did not, as I started to lock my door following that night. But his advances didn’t stop there. He would then try to get intimate whenever I put my guard down thinking that he would back off. Thank God for the day he moved away. The moment my lawyer had the transfer of ownership in progress following the negotiation with him that I was to buy out his 50% ownership of the apartment, I had the front door and lock changed. I am now the sole owner of this apartment and I can take steps to protect myself.

Another thing I have learned from this, is NOT to seek advice from family members when it comes to my love life. Chances are, they will ruin you. They have told me to “be a good wife and end this drama, go back to your husband”, “why must you divorce him? listen, as long as he doesn’t cheat on you, doesn’t gamble, not an alcoholic and not a drug addict, why are you complaining?” You know what? Thank you but NO, thank you.

It has been 7 years since I walked out on my marriage and I have never felt more liberated. Had I listened to the advice of my relatives back then, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today as I can be darn sure that I would still be a miserable, overweight and a out-of-shape woman trapped in a marriage I had no courage to walk out on. Yes, I was called names, I was condemned and I lost my best friend by being true to myself and took that leap I am so happy that I did.

To those who are going thru similar ordeal, please know that you are not alone. I have pulled thru and so will YOU. It is ok to be not ok. It is ok to be afraid. It is ok to be shunned. It is YOUR journey, not anyone else’s. Everything will fall into place, I promise. Because it has, for me.

To my male readers, I know you guys are better than this but just a gentle reminder – when a woman says NO, it literally, clearly and definitely means NO.

~ J

 

Reflection of a Workaholic

I am a workaholic. Yes. I. Am. I am a workaholic who would not only focus but also who neglected my loved ones when emails, texts or phone calls that I should not be entertaining came and I did. Even at the dinner table. Even when I was back at parents’ to spend the weekend with them after jet setting half a month away.

Until late 2017. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Oh, don’t be mistaken that I had stopped working or took long leave away from my work and teams. On the contrary, I DID NOT. I had a lumpectomy procedure done and was on home rest for 2 weeks. And guess what? I was literally working from home. What did i do? Replying emails, having skype calls and even financial and target projection. And the following week, I was back at work. Full time. And then radiotherapy treatment started. Nope, didn’t take any day off either. My schedule was altered to accommodate the radiotherapy treatment every morning from Monday to Friday. And off to the office right after treatment, straight from the hospital. For 5 weeks. Yes, I am a workaholic.

Did I learn from this close call with death? Oh yes. Oh yes I did. I honoured my contract till the end and then I left. Not renewing. No matter how much I love my teams. But I love myself more. I had denied myself the rest and care I was supposed to have. The experience with cancer made me realize this. I owed myself a decent break. A break for my body, mind and spirit. Why not just take a 1-month leave? Some people asked me this. It’s not the same, I said.

I remember the first movie I watched after leaving my job. That feeling of liberation, words just can’t explain. I realized that I had enjoyed the whole darn movie without checking my phone! That very moment I knew that I had made the rightest decision. I lost a job but I GAIN MY LIFE.

And this rest is exactly the break to prepare me for what’s next. So that I can keep growing, and I can do better than best in my next role. Cos, I am very sure that I won’t be bringing any grievance to my new endeavour.

~J

This too shall pass….

This too shall pass. A term most of us are familiar with, but do we really understand it?

When we were met with obstacles or challenging situation, friends or family would say “hang in there, this too shall pass”. We would still be feeling the fear, the stress and even self doubt after being told “this too shall pass”. Why? Is it a crisis of faith? Or it’s a case of knowing but not understanding? We can easily find the definition of any word whether online or via a printed dictionary but that is KNOWING. But what is UNDERSTANDING?

Last night, new moon in Taurus and I was feeling the pull to meditate. Just as I was entering the state of Zen, dad came knocking on my door. It was a brief interruption but I was already frustrated. Tried to re-enter into the meditation but just couldn’t focus. The more I tried to force it, the more upset I felt.

So, not knowing what to do or how to handle the situation, I resorted to my phone. I googled the term “what do to when your meditation got interrupted?”. And I was guided to some answers. The common advice was : “embrace your emotions and accept the interruption as part of the process. Reflect on it and try again.”

And so I did. I was frustrated, yes. My cause of frustration was the interruption to my otherwise peaceful meditation. So, what do I do? I acknowledged my frustration and didn’t do anything for the next couple of minutes. Drifted into nothingness. Breathe, just breathe.

And I tried again. Plugging in to my meditation music and started it all over. The verdict? I achieved the objective of my meditation and gained more. I gained an understanding to the meaning, true meaning of THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

~ J

Why we should learn from kids

I had my 9-year-old niece helped scrapping my back (Gua Sha is a type of traditional Chinese treatment) as I was having body aches all over. I paid her MYR 2 as “wages” for utilising her little hands and energy to help me feel better. How delighted she was, having to earn some money for her hard work. And then the little one, my 3-year-old niece came and rub my shoulder and neck. I paid the mini one 50 cents. She was jumping for joy, proud of her achievement.

You see, kids are a piece of white paper. We, adults are white paper stained with colours. My 2 nieces didn’t expect to be paid for helping their aunt to feel better. And when I paid them, they didn’t complain about the amount. They were grateful. They were joyous.

So, what happened to us? As we grow, we got exposed to external influences, mainly peers and society. We learned and adopted to societal values so followed by everyone else. And so shall we. Because we wanted to belong. Because we wanted recognition. From people insignificant to our lives.

Looking at my 2 nieces, on one hand, I pray for their well being, growing up healthy, protected from harm and danger whereas on the other hand, I wish that they don’t grow up. Don’t grow up contaminated by the so-called values imposed by humans for whatever agenda behind that.

I learn or shall I say re-learn new things from kids everyday. First thing first, no expectation. Second being, genuine. You will know if a kid likes you or not from their expression and behaviour. Third, they are happy with anything. That’s gratitude.

So, just when you think you know more being an adult, think again.

~ J

Why bother with a dating coach?

I have seen an increasing number of dating coach services or courses being promoted on social media lately. I would be browsing through my Facebook newsfeeds when so and so’s sponsored posts appearing to me.

Well, maybe I fit right in to their segmentation of target audience eh. Female, single, age group 21-50 and the like. I am single alright, but do I need any dating coaching services or courses? Do I now?

These are some examples of tagline that make me cringe :

– He’s into you, he’s just not ready. Find out now how to make him ready….

– Texting tips to make him interested

– How to make him woo you in full force

Hmmm…..honestly, I may not even think twice about signing up when I was in my 20s. Really. I was a babe with pretty face, sexy bod and super alluring dance skills to boot. But what I lacked, was my self worth and confidence. I thought the physical aspects were all I need to get a man to love me. And so I thought. I used to be a babe always donning full make up, either showing my cleavage or thighs and would only feel happy when the male species turned their heads or knocked themselves into a pole or glass door. And yet I couldn’t keep the man I loved. Why? I used to spend my nights wondering why my relationships never lasted.

Fast forward to present day, I cringe to those tagline used to attract females to sign up on such coaching services or courses teaching a woman how to be alluring. Why bother?

I can share with you here and now that it is YOU that matters. YOU don’t need to be taught how to be YOU. You are alluring by just being YOU. I can even boldly share that I have more men attracted to me NOW at 40 than in my 20s. Successful, mature and intelligent men. Men of quality. And guess what? I go to dates in jeans. Almost zero make up other than a slight touch of lipstick. And my dates keep coming back. Wanting to get serious.

So what tricks did I use? What did I do? Nope, no trick. I didn’t do anything. Yes, the biggest trick is not having to do anything other than being YOU. I text someone if I wanted to share about me or ask about him. Be comfortable, be natural, be YOU. Of course, don’t make anyone your world, because YOU are your world. Why bother to learn how to be someone alluring if that someone isn’t YOU?

Focus on YOU and your life. Get out to see the world. Learn new things. Get on to that hobby or passion you have been putting off to make way for something or someone insignificant.

You are the charm that you need.

YOU….

~ J